My bf and I always joke about my iPhone and how there's an app for everything! Well, guess what? There's a blogger app!! Woohoo! This will make blogging sooooo much easier! :)
Here's another pic of me & Jasen! We went to Austin City Limits Music Festival together! It was awesome & this pic is after a day of rain!!!
Ok...so much has changed since my last posts.... Here goes the catch up...
After much marriage counseling, prayer, and tears Robert and I decided to end our marriage. By the time we are final it will have been 14 years of marriage. I know that this saddens many of you and there are tons of questions, but please know the decision was not made lightly and even the marriage counselor felt that we were making the right decision. You see, when you create patterns in a relationship that are unhealthy and somewhat abusive emotionally and verbally you create a relationship that cannot be fixed. So the paperwork has been filed, the property has been split, the custody has been worked out and I am moving on with my life--head held high because I know I did everything in my power to make things work and life is too short to be miserable!
Enough of the unhappy...let's move to the happy...
I had a very busy summer...if you are a facebook friend, you have seen all the updates and pictures as I have gone along, but if not, here are some pics for you! My babies have very much grown this summer! Megs turned 12 and these first two pictures are from Megs birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse.
Probably not the best picture of MEgs...but getting the girl to not act like a goof is sometimes next to impossible! She is turning into quite the character and I love her to death! Her sense of humor may be a little warped, but she keeps a smile on my face! Here she is trying to look like a moose... don't ask me why! (Her friend Sarah is in the black!)
Then there is Kali! Here she is with two of my adopted college kids--as they call themselves! Megan & Christy!
This final picture is one of my faves from just this last week. Meet my boyfriend Jasen.... It seems funny to talk about my divorce at the beginning and my new bf at the end of the post, but such is life and you must realize I haven't blogged since August and we are in October now! ;) I met Jasen last year and we were just friends for the longest time. He mowed my yard (or actually started the mower and emptied the bag because I wanted to mow), he let me cry on his shoulder when Robert was being not so amicable, he became my friend and supported me when so many in my life deserted. My daughters informed me this summer that Jasen had a crush on me and both wanted to know why I wouldn't date him. In all my stubbornness, I drug my feet about as long as humanly possible. When my marriage ended, I finally gave in... and have found the happiness that I really didn't think existed. 
This picture is from our trip to Alabama last week to meet his dad. At Thanksgiving we go to Michigan to meet his mom! I am very happy and so glad my daughters pushed me in his direction. There is a song by lady antebellum called Can't Take My Eyes Off You... and this is how I truly feel... if you have a few minutes... listen to the song! Not sure if it will embed, but I posted the hyperlink.
I'm sitting at Hastings, in the coffee shop watching people instead of doing the work that I intended to do. As I sit here listening to conversations around the room, I am wondering how many people are actually their 'real' selves in these conversations. I was told by a friend that my blog is hard to read, because it isn't the 'real me'... and it made me question myself... do I sensor myself here? I didn't use to... I used to just put the words out, a little like word vomit, and not worry about what people thought, or who was reading or not reading... but I suspect that over time I have blogged less and less because I worry about what people will think about the 'real me' that is exposed when I truly express myself. But then again... who is the real me? Is it the fun-loving, risk-taking crazy girl that made an appearance this summer (I kind of liked her, although most of the 'serious' people in my life did not)? Is it the control-freak, serious yet sarcastic, easily stressed out mom/wife/woman that I was before that (I liked her too... never had to admit to failure, because I had it handled)? Or is the real-me the person I am right now as I sit on the couch at Hastings on the brink of tears stressed about the direction my life is headed? And if the later is the 'real me,' I'm not so sure I like myself. I mean, where is the strong woman who could handle everything.... the woman that didn't need anyone or anything to get through the day? Who is this person I am becoming? I don't want to need people... because people fail me. I don't want to need relationships... because relationships end. I don't want to trust... because people are untrustworthy. I know this approach to life isn't logical, but it has emerged over the years and this 'new me' is having a very difficult time not resorting back to the old ways of thought. How am I to trust, when the past has shown he is untrustworthy? How am I to depend on and lean on, when the past has shown he isn't strong enough to handle my baggage? How am I supposed to think of happily ever after and really believe it, when I know that all relationships come to an end? I guess I'll let you know when I figure all of this out...
My counselor suggested a book this morning... for women only: what you need to know about the inner lives of men. As is my tendency, I brought the book home and have immersed myself in it, hoping to find wisdom and knowledge that will fix my marriage! Ch 1 was just a summary of what was to come... chapter 2: Your love is not enough is where the words of wisdom and the stepping of toes started for me! So... here are my afterthoughts from ch 2...
WOW! Who knew respect was sooo freakin' impt to the male species... I certainly didn't... or wait... maybe I did and that is why the little voice in the back of my head yelled "STOP...DON'T SAY IT" every time I started to say something negative or disrespectful about or to my husband. But, of course, I said whatever rude thing it was that I had to say, because I knew better and besides, should I really be listening to the voices in my head? The problem with all of this is something that I hadn't really considered... "feelings often follow words or actions"... so, for every disrespectful word I said about my husband I only furthered my disrespect of him in my own brain and heart. And honestly, can you love a man you do not respect? See the vicious cycle here?
The chapter talks alot about respecting your husband's judgement in matters of the home...which to me, means kids, finances, etc, etc. Ick... this is where the toe stepping started for me. When Robert and I got married, I deemed him incompetent of taking care of such things as finances etc. I mean, I had lived on my own for a year and he was moving straight from his mother's house to mine. When we had children, I was the mother and I made the decisions... I mean, what man really knows how to raise a child? geesh! Anyway, the result of all of this is 13 yrs of disrespect towards my husband. And let me mention here that there have been many times that Robert tried to take control of the finances, or tried to help with the children... and what did I do??? I did exactly what the book says not to do... I, in so many words, told him he was incompetent and emasculated him... sometimes in front of his friends and often in front of mine. (Are your toes hurting yet? Cuz mine are killing me!)
My ADHD mind is all over the place right now, and I'm probably making no sense whatsoever, but here are the main points from the chapter... I feel like I'm doing a book report, by the way...
1. Respect his judgement...
2. Respect his abilities...
3. Respect in communication...
4. Respect in public...
5. Respect in our assumptions...
I have failed miserably in all 5 of these categories of respect and as I thought about the examples she posted, I could see how my friends are failing miserably too! And honestly, it's no wonder that the marriage failure rate is 50% in this country.... ugh... and ouch... when off the top of my head I can come up with 10 examples of disrespect that I have seen in the last two days by people with happy marriages! Anyway, I'll post another blog about the next chapter I am sure... but for now I need to apologize to my hubs about some specific things of disrespect I have done...
Here are the pics from my camera of date nite! We had a good time and we are both excited of the possibilities... 
Tonight is the night...it is the night that I go on a date with my
husband for the first time since we separated. I am not sure why, but
I have all the butterflies I had when I first met him...and I think
that is great! We are going to eat dinner and then going to the Roger
Creager concert...keep your fingers crossed and your prayers lifted
that all goes well tonight!
Sent from my iPhone
Robert and I had a long talk tonight and we are going to give it one more try... please keep us in your prayers as we go through this process. He is not moving back in or anything dramatic... we are starting slow.. with a date at the end of the week! =)
